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The listings for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington highlights a playful dual-language show and an ad-libbed theatrical troupe. Curiously absent from the advertised schedule is the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup draw, likely because it is a strictly invitation-only event. Planners appear determined to keep out any uninvited attendees from gaining entry at what promises to be an drawn-out, self-aggrandizing spectacle where highly compensated celebrities will undoubtedly parrot the well-worn cliche that "soccer unites the world."

A Star-Studded Hosting Team

The lavish ceremony is due to be emceed by former model and TV host Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be American football legend Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Together, they will preside over a ceremony that will undoubtedly have English football fans who remember yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty fabric pouch of simple, numbered balls.

Slated to last the thick end of three torturous hours, the event will feature a seemingly endless playlist of speechifying, saccharine video montages, approved gags, famous faces, musical turns from acts with perhaps little shame or financial motivations, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Draw Duty

Among those tasked with conducting the draw? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the supervision of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the considerable, deep well of charisma possessed by these ageing sporting legends, short of an armed snatch-squad storming the event, it's difficult to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an overly deferential spokesperson is any sort of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the response was non-committal. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are aware of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The suggestion seemed to be that premium costs are acceptable when contrasted with other luxury goods.

The Football Business

With 42 countries already qualified for next summer's jamboree and six more set to qualify, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the main draw begins. While fans across the globe wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their particular country will face in the initial phase, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which precedes the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "people who help unite people in peace through unwavering dedication and notable actions." Considering the draw is in Washington and the tournament is primarily in the United States, guesses about the winner are ripe, though the hints are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My relationship with him is rock solid really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a manager whose side in the midst of a five-match losing streak, offering a textbook remark likely to be revisited if/when a dismissal occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to local games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, requiring an encore?"